Why a bourbon cream is a better biscuit than a custard cream (and what this tells us about life ...)

Now, before we bite of more than we can chew here (ahem), let's be absolutely clear on one thing: this Blessay is not intended to be a debate about which is the best biscuit (we will need to build up to that one). This is simply a debate about the relative merits of bourbon creams versus custard creams.


To avoid any unnecessary confusion, let's make sure we have a shared definition of the bourbon cream and custard cream biscuits we are comparing. All biscuit references in this blog are to UK biscuits (we will cover the correct use of the term 'cookie' in another blog; american readers take note) and for the purposes of this debate we are assuming 'tertiary branded' examples (ie. not the cheapest possible Aldi own brand, neither your more premium M&S or Foxes versions). See below ...




We will select our bench-mark biscuits from the United Biscuits (UB) stable of brands; Crawfords should do the job.

[Peek Freans invented the original bourbon cream in 1910 ... the brand is now owned by United Biscuits in the UK and Kraft in the US although apparently UB no longer use the brand].


To the casual, uninformed biscuit consumer these two every-day biscuits may seem very similar -- as a reader of this blog you have a more enquiring mind than the everyman and will appreciate the following subtle but vitally important factors.

Mouth experience
The more observant amongst you will have noticed that the bourbon is a longer, thinner biscuit than the custard cream. Unless you are so plebian as to consume an entire biscuit in a single bite, the shape of a biscuit makes an enormous difference to the 'mouth experience' you will enjoy (and of course completely changes the logistics of dunking).

Consider a standard 'three bite' consumption pattern; with the bourbon the ratio of cooked edge, cream and 'middle bit' is reasonably consistent through each bite whereas with the custard cream the mouth experience is far less consistent. If you can't see this through 'conceptual visualisation', now might be a good time for a quick biscuit break; you'll see what I mean if you contrast and compare the experiences in practice.

Cost Economics
We will be returning to the topic of cost economics (and warning of the dangers of equating cost to value) in other posts. At this stage though, please allow me to use the somewhat gross simplification that a more expensive biscuit is a 'better' biscuit.
There are three factors that make a bourbon structurally more expensive to produce than a custard cream (I will summarise here assuming some basic understanding of industrial biscuit baking economics -- if this is lacking, later posts will make it all clear I promise);

1. The limiting effect on the roll-moulding speed achievable with a longer biscuit (because of the risk of biscuit/roller separation failure) and hence the higher effective cost of production (ie. the allocation of time variable costs and the opportunity cost associated with oven capacity -- see later posts).


2. The difficulty of controlling the cream depositing and subsequent 'sandwiching' process when a narrow biscuit hits a creaming machine at speed. I'm not saying it is as tricky as a jammy dodger (where a misaligned biscuit can leave the production floor looking like, well, an explosion in a jam factory); but there is little doubt that the risk of downtime is greatly increased with a thinner biscuit.


3. The intrinsic cost of cocoa required for a (decent) bourbon and the ingredients costs associated with the sugar scattered on the top of a bourbon (particularly where sugar retention is ensured by a light fat spray over the biscuit).

Semantics
This is a somewhat contentious point as it can of course be argued that what a biscuit is called can't affect its intrinsic qualities as a biscuit ("A rose by any other name ..." anyone?). ... and yet let's compare and contrast the images conjoured up by the words 'bourbon' and 'custard'. Personally speaking, Bourbon Street, New Orleans and Whiskey beat School Dinners and English Desserts every time.

Design
I mean just look at a custard cream. Mock Baroque swirls? What's all that about?

So hopefully a simple enough and non-contentious opener: the bourbon cream is clearly a better biscuit than the custard cream because of its shape, its ingredients, its name and its appearance. Oh yes, did I mention that it tastes nicer?

Case closed!

What does this tell us about life?
Size may not matter, but shape does ...
Better ingredients generally lead to better outcomes ...
and names and appearances do matter!

*******

If you've enjoyed this blessay, do please sign up to follow me and tell your friends.

If you are wondering what its all about, see my initial blessay.